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And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. And take LWs at their word, maybe? I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. Mostly they arent great at invitations. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Yes, this. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Im not talking about not dealing with this. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. It follows the script they want, which is that the person they are targeting needs their approval of their reason for pleading off. Thank you. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. , I am in a cat trance. It was glorious. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. I like to respond with Doing nothing. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. The one my family goes with is Surviving. Me: .No. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. or are you busy?). Oh, the usual, you? I'd Be Better if You Asked Me out If I Was Any Finer, I'd Be China Answer vaguely. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. ooh. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. UGH. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. BUT! I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Can you repeat what you just said? I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Great! This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Neighbor! Funny Response to How Are You There are many fun things we could say and people will think that you're smart and interesting! Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. Bye. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Why do people ask? Remember, . The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. Question. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. Me: Nope. Totally fair and perfectly polite. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). On a walk with my dinosaur. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. Its the same here. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. If I had a tail, I would wag it! Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. person: Hey, hiya, rya? Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. friend: yooooooooo goodyou Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. So, sometimes it is a trap! And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. I read that post all the time. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. Im also annoyed by these questions! Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. "Hi" or "Hello". I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). So, when they ask what youre doing this weekend and seem likely skip ahead to of course youre going to my potluck and bringing the thing I promised everyone youll bring without actually asking you and/or so you can babysit ALL WEEKEND LONG, be ok with letting them down. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). ME: Great! What a mess. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. How are you? Call me. Does *your* phone not work? Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Theyre private and you dont need to know them. Flip the question back to them. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. that sounds fun! Ive had trouble with that one, too. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Riding an elephant. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. Mother likes to trap me. May suggest reversing the order of operations? It happens every time I get him as a teller. !" Boy, do I need it. This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Me: yes! or no, sorry. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. Ive realized that people sometimes ask this question to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell you all about their exciting weekend plans. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. I think it depends a lot on context. Shampooing the grass. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. They need to stop it. what about this would a person take personally???? Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. You're very welcome. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. It means Im doing nothing., Glorying in my splendid solitude how about you?. Depending on the purpose of the encounter, that might mark the end of the interaction or serve as an agreed-upon signal for one or the other or both parties to end the dance of content-free niceties and get to the point or commence the conducting of shared business. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. Im working on this myself. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. Speak to US respectfully. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. Most of them, anyway. Yeah, my parents did that too. single. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. Its just one of the normal options. Teaching my fish how to swim.