That I dont think this despair will ever stop. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. I think this may go back to this idea of rejection, which is something Ive never really thought about before. Four days after learning that about my dress, or two days before my neighbor died, I took the dress off the hanger and folded it, intending to give it back to my Mom. We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately Im finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I am profoundly sorry of your loss. So now I carry their blame too. When I received the devastating news I couldnt breathe, I still dont feel as though it actually happened. Friday, no changes. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. Just as you did with your supervisor. The stigma is definitely something that continually needs to be addressed. I had two brain surgeries and my dear wife never left my side but then the right frontal Stupid lame ass me in my head pushed her away. It feels like a hot iron is going through my chest when I think of what he must have been thinking and feeling in his last moments and I dont know how to stop those thoughts. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise. Each time he came out alive. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. Eleanor June 15, 2016 at 12:17 pm Reply. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. I cannot say what happens to a person when they die anymore than anyone else can. I had to forgive myself and forgive Dad. I have lost a friend, although a new friend that I really didnt know that well yet, to suicide. She called me 2 days before she hung herself. Just ten years after being . He left no note. to keep pushing me along. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. Michelle, I lost my beloved daughter in July 7th 2019. He expected to spend the rest of his life with her & now it is over. I pushed her away to protect myself and the guilt is overwhelming. He also sent texts to other people, I found out during the later part of the day. John Dearing January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am Reply. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward? I need to live my life somehow again so hopefully Ill be able to figure that out. We must try to go on for them. My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. He had text his dealer the Friday before it happened and never got a reply or phone call back. Sure was funny as hell to see the look of suprised bewilderment on his face. Jen I am so sorry. I spoke to him that morning and he was happy, he loved boating and was out with friends having fun and drinking. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. I really hope you can cope in some way. Just my story. Michelle March 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply. And it wasnt just his close friends. Accept how youre feeling, deal with it head on, and take however much time you need. I miss him so much i want this nightmare to be over. The blame and guilt is suffocating. I will miss him until my turn on Earth is up. Honor your lost loved ones with your own lives, while also keeping their memories alive inside of you. Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpectedand so not all who experience the death of a loved one to suicide struggle to answer the question of Why?. I feel the counselor didnt do nothing for him I think he they looked at him as more is a cash cow because of the insurance we had and a rather string things along then get down to the nitty-gritty and help. My future!!! Richard Whitfield January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply. I wish I hadnt gotten the police involved when I was scared. Please stay strong for your children. I guess time has helped a little. Robert Rue August 31, 2019 at 2:35 am Reply. He was the sole provider and we are going to have to move and start over somewhere new, to get away from the horrible memory of that day at this house. We are grappling with grief that has been paralyzing beyond comprehension. Even if it is only one person who is suffering this way? God this hurts so badly. Gail Julmi April 13, 2019 at 3:34 am Reply. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. Heavy sedation and paralyss medication. This came as a shock to my family. He was worried about where to met up with his class. My best friends and little brother who was 22 shot himself in front of me. Im so sorry, and all I can say, from what I have come to learn is Bless and Release. When you are ready to forgive, I think you might feel a slight load off your shoulders, but the pain, I regret, will always be there. Ive read various posts on here, and I know your pain. In the first week, I heard from family and friends who didnt really know my son well. I have a degree in psychology and I could not save my own son. According to theCenters for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 48,000 people died from suicide in the United States in 2018. I just figured he meant bc of his weight and diabetes. As time went on, our hugs, turned into pecks on the cheek, Then one night, Her bf was having a party at their place, she didnt really like his friends and she called me and invited me? Please know it gets better. Thank you for your content. One grief article I read stated Grief is your own, and only yours. Others might not understand, but there are others who do understand. My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. But I have. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you. I miss my mum. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just cant quite see him. His daughter found him. Shed built an enormous empire all on her own. The pain is still intense. Your comment made me think of the episode. ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. And then I started crying again. I couldnt have found a more wonderful, smart, funny, amazing man, except for this glitch in his brain. The next morning the mother called me and asked me to go over and check on him. Somehow I found this site and I think it is helpful to read about other people who have experienced this horror because unless you have, I feel it would be hard to understand the gravity of the loss. Im the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. I miss him sooo much. My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said Im going to hang myself, In my anger with my face still stinging as Im sure hers was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. I recommend you check out this somewhat related article, which touches on these types of thoughts: https://whatsyourgrief.com/nighttime-rumination-grief/ You are not alone. I lost my spouse 8 years ago . They still havent closed his case so were still have so many questions. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didnt want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Thank you again for this website and this article! He married and had two children. Im angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.Im told I missed out on inevitable heartache. My brother had been talking of suicide for 4-5 years. On the website, under Events, youll find local group meetings and text chats, some specifically for survivors of suicide loss. He put a rope over the beam Id been sitting under with him in his back yard. After many rehabs had failed and continued non support from my family members he decided to live with them. A man's words to an audience of men, telling the story of how he became depressed in his thirties. Litsa I love this American Life. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. Then three months later that feeling got a little better: I knew I was alive but still, I felt a black cloud over my head. we didnt see it coming at all. Its like being turned inside out with no way back. Life is difficult. Elizabeth Berger May 27, 2019 at 10:59 pm Reply. Were so close and the thought of her suffering because of my dying in that type of way keeps me alive. I miss her so and it is hard knowing she is gone forever. He was in another state but we managed to create a loving relationship We were able to be there for his wedding, birth of his children, building his home, Starting his own business. My mom ended her life on 05/20/2018 I found her she still had a pulse I was on the phone screaming at 911 to get here fast I heard my mom take her last breath knowing there was nothing I could do to save her because she shot herself in the head behind her right ear and she was taking a blood thinner, the Sheriff finally showed up like 30 minutes later and then the ambulance I was standing outside bawling trying to understand why the officer came outside to me and told me he was sorry for my loss I just hit the ground screaming no and crying my eyes out. She taklked abour wanting to die six weeks before she died by suicide. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. At some point it stops being about them. Obviously, I am completely devastated. I now know that although I was there for him, I really wasnt. I am still stuck, saddened anew at the terrible legacy of suicide and its stigma so many years on. A lot of it was in my mind-I felt like I was in more pain when, like you said, a lot of it was inner pain that manifested physically. That is often a taboo subject; no one wants to admit that there is an element of relief sometimes when their loved one has died. I cant get him out of my head. Ilene January 29, 2019 at 12:05 am Reply. I do not worry about that now. I remember all my friends in the years to follow always saying you are so strong. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. My brother recently killed himself after running away for a few weeks and never came back. It just gets more and more to be an accepted ne normal. Please dont take your lack of connection here as an indication that you are alone in all of this. I did not know why, this hurts so bad or if only. My son was a third year medical student. I hate this feeling. I did grief share at a local church but they still read from the bible that it was a sin, I even looked for grief counsler but I cant find any that takes my insurance Medicare and Tricare. We miss my dad every day. i love him so much. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. I saw her last month, as I live in a different state, and she was giving away her possessions and telling us she was talking to people whod already died. Anti depression medicine included. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. What couldve driven him to such an act must have been so overpowering that even his life didnt matter, his family and children didnt matter and I didnt matter. They are all just as stunned as we are. I went and got my husband and as we walked to the side door, there we saw him, hanging in the garage. I am a survivor. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. Im sorry for your loss. He was beautiful. He found out I tried to starve myself. Anyway sometimes for me writing things out helps. A book that has brought me some relief is Life After Life, by Raymond Moody. Brenda Roethler May 17, 2016 at 10:18 pm Reply. My mom said he was talking until they closed the doors to the ambulance. You may feel confused and forgetful. If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night, or chat online. I guess for me its where do we go from here. I am lost. My husband served 20 years defending our country but no help for me now that he is gone. Some even share stories of them. she lived with my dad and I was constantly coming down to the house to help her clean and care for her son because she couldnt find the energy within her to do so herself. I dont think all the time in the world will heal how i feel. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm Reply. Since I worked full time at night, at 2pm on the day he died, I told him I needed to get some sleep. It has been one month since my brother passed away with only 28 years of life. I dream I hug her and tell her I miss her. July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am Reply. My best friend and step father shot my uncle then took his life shortly after 06/16/21 there was so much blood to clean up and now I live in my house alone. I know he doesnt suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me! I dont have any siblings, so I moved with my fianc into my moms house where it happened. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. He was 37 years old. He saved me. Thank you for sharing your heart. Im so sorry Aibon. It is all, admittedly, a work in progress. I lost my cousin, my best friend, on 12/22/18 from suicide. Can I kindly ask if you know which books helped you? My father was an alcoholic and beat him and my mom when we were young. Im sorry. In addition to that I have been really caught up in my stressful job and sometimes when I first get home it first walk out my door, the sight of the car with stickers jogs my memory again, that this tragic thing that happened 3 days ago isnt staying in that day that it happened on, but its still true every day after that. Im beginning to find the weeds between the cracks a few with dandilions. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/ All the best to you and your family. Gave me a hard time with every girl I dated bc it took time away from Him Would eat my food when we had an apartment together. If that God exists, I personally would have to believe that he would welcome and care for the souls of those who suffered so painfully in their lives with substance use disorders, like your son did. Thats not the point though. by stacy7132. And nobody was available apparently. Most times when im ok is when I think hes still alive and I just wont ever see him. I have felt all the emotions, blame, guilt, anger, sadness, rejection, unworthiness, failure isolation, etc. I, too, hope the police find the man who instigated her suicide. I was just a little girl. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldnt close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! Exactly one year later (2 weeks ago), another girl in my year also took her life. Abandonment, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, bullying, hunger, shame, humiliation. Suicide aint the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and werent there for you and youll be there to hear that. . I had a brother who hung herself few years ago. My wonderful bf just killed himself 7 days ago. I helped him move into an apartment, continued taking him to his appts, started attending AA again, and we mutually divorced. My son was supposed to be at work at noon lost Thursday, but instead drove to the 2nd Street bridge in Louisville, Ky(where we live). I still dont believe it almost 7 months later. Dont give up on yourself, dear one. I dont know if thats something youd be interested in, but its there if youd like to look at it.). For all its pain and sorrow, life finds a way. My body and heart hurt so much that I can not find sleep. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. I lost it! Linda Rice January 13, 2019 at 9:23 am Reply. He talked to us every single day even when he was annoyed by his job. Talked to the ambulance people. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. She had called their relationship of. In this article, this quote definitely stood out to me: Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.. I think about him all the time, the finality of it all, just so sad. I did not know he had been struggling with depression for years. His habit went from drinking to smoking pot and pills. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. I know it hurts that youre family is treating you like that, they obviously dont understand how it feels like to have depression and so they are afraid but reject you when you need them. We did our best to be there for her through thick and thin but the mental anguish was too much for her. FOR YOU! If not, ask a professional to help start one. Kim Patterson February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply. Her bestfriend last week thought she would help her out and googled his name thinking she would find a social media account in his name or something. April 14,2008 My big brother died that way too. He left behind two children: one of them our 16 month old daughter. Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 1:10 pm Reply, Johnny, Im so very sorry for your loss and for all of the pain youve been forced to endure. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Please hold your loved ones tight and make sure they know what they mean to you. Gary could be warm and funny, but he could also 'start a fight in an empty room'. We were extremely well matched. Dear Stacy, I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. You can also subscribe without commenting. I became bitter, toxic, and now I am suicidal. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, its no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. If I would have made him get help, he would still be here. He was 28 yrs old I remember that day like it was right this second and just saying how much I loved him.I read yours and literally was sitting in that very moment all over againso much sadness. When Taylor Porco's brother, Jordan, died by suicide . So I definitely wont be making that mistake again and I will be learning from what he said to me. <3, Litsa September 14, 2021 at 9:34 am Reply, Please know that you are very much not alone in this. When he came, that all changed. So many questions dont have answers but this one is the biggest. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. my dad was the last to see him . It seems to calm me. My baby sister (5 years younger) was found dead at her house. My soul has been shattered and trying to pick myself up from this is a never ending struggle. Weve traveled with them and have become very close friends. Her best friend comforts me daily assuring me that she loved me right up to the end, and still got googly-eyed talking about me. I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. He wrote his suicide letter on it. and in Psalm 37: 5-6 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I know it feels Impossible. The pain will be their , the love will be their but to take this laying down will not change things . Fred November 19, 2018 at 2:59 am Reply. I get through it by reminding myself that I will be with him again one day. Cindy January 10, 2022 at 4:06 pm Reply. At first it didnt even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. 1. He was a beloved 8th grade math teacher and leaves behind a wife and 5 five-year-old son, who was his whole world. My mom said he kept saying Tell me to hold on. I cannot fault them. I know my daughter needed to know so I looked her friends mother up on social media and learned that she worked with a friend of mine. I am trying, slowly, to read them all. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. Shana Chappell detailed her second . My husband I new in the physical forms short time. when I got to the top of the hill I could see all the cop cars in the driveway and didnt know what to think at that point but they pretty immediately showed me my nephew and that he was fine. I began to understand that Id experienced love at first sight many years before, although I d never thought in those terms before. Its okay to express it. It can happen ti anyone. In a journal he had kept he wrote she said it was 5 years of hell. All I can say is I dont know how, but you keep going. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what Im up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my childrens childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. One thing Ive accepted is that his choice to take his life was to relieve himself from his pain. We just put his ashes into the Atlantic ocean, which is what he wanted done with his cremated remains whenever he died. The first post sounds so much like mine. Long story short, in the last year of his life, he was hospitalized 6 times. She had been effected by anxiety and depression for three years,she had begun cutting herself then took one of her mothers pills thinking it would kill her she was 13 at that time she was sent to a mental help institution for two weeks ,started therapy and medication. His suicide note was short and weird, and it ended with: you (me and my siblings) were my best friends. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. Nothing seems to take the pain away, I can just ignore it for a while.I seem like Im doing well butbhow can we???